6

Today, having completed his morning devotions and bathed and eaten, Krishnadayal entered Anandamoyi’s room after many days, spread his woollen mat upon the floor, and seated himself upon it, bolt upright, carefully withdrawn, as it were, from all contact with the world around him.

Anandamoyi said: “Listen — you are engaged in your austerities, you give no thought to household matters, but I live in constant fear on account of Gora.”

Krishnadayal. Why? What is there to fear?

Anandamoyi. That I cannot say precisely. But it seems to me that this Hindu observance which Gora has begun of late will never suit him — if he goes on in this way, some calamity will befall him in the end. I told you even then: do not give him the sacred thread. You would not hear of it at the time; you said, tying a thread round a person’s neck neither helps nor harms anyone. But it is not merely a thread — where will you stop him now?

Krishnadayal. Very well! All the fault is mine, I suppose! It was you who made the original error. You were the one who could not bear to let him go in any way. I too was stubborn in those days — had no understanding of religion or duty at all. If it were now, could I have done such a thing?

Anandamoyi. But say what you will, I cannot on any account accept that I have committed any wrongdoing. You surely remember what I did not do for the sake of having a child — I heeded whatever anyone said — how many amulets, how many charms I took, you know all of that well. One night I dreamt that I had brought a basketful of tagara blossoms and sat down to worship the deity — and when I looked at one point, there were no flowers in the basket; in the place of flowers lay a tiny luminous child, white as a flower; ah, what I saw then, how can I describe it — tears began to flow from both my eyes — I was about to quickly take him up in my arms when I woke from sleep. Not ten days had passed before I received Gora — he is the gift of my God — how is he another’s, that I would surrender him to anyone? Perhaps in a past life I bore him in my womb and suffered greatly for it, and so in this life he has come to me saying ‘mother.’ Think now, how he came and from where. Fighting and slaughter were all around at that time, I lived in terror for my own life — it was then that in the dead of night that English woman came and hid herself in our house; you were afraid and did not want to keep her in the house — I deceived you and hid her in the cattle shed. That very night she gave birth to the child and died. If I had not saved that child, could he have survived? What did it matter to you! You wanted to hand him over to a priest. Why! Why should I hand him over to a priest! Is the priest his father and mother — did the priest save his life? Such is the child I received — is it less than receiving one from one’s own womb? Say what you will, the one who gave me this child — unless He Himself takes him back, I will give him to no one else, even if my life be the price.

Krishnadayal. I know that. Well, you keep your Gora with you — I have never placed any obstacle in the way of that. But if you introduced him as your son, you could not then refrain from giving him the sacred thread — society would not accept it. That is precisely why the thread had to be given. Now there are only two matters to consider. By right, all my property and estate should properly go to Mahim — therefore —

Anandamoyi. Who wants any share of your property and estate! Whatever money you have made, leave it all to Mahim — Gora will not take a single paisa of it. He is a man, he has received his education, he will earn his living by his own exertion — why should he lay claim to another’s wealth! Let him only live — that is more than enough for me — I need no other property.

Krishnadayal. No, I shall not deprive him entirely — I shall give him the revenue-grant; in time its annual return may amount to a thousand rupees. The pressing matter now is arranging his marriage. What has been done in the past has been done — but now I cannot give him in marriage into a Brahmin household according to Hindu custom — whether you are angry at this or not.

Anandamoyi. Good heavens — you think that because I do not go about sprinkling Ganges water and cow-dung everywhere as you do, I have no understanding of dharma. And why should I give him in marriage into a Brahmin household — and what would I have to be angry about?

Krishnadayal. What are you saying! You are a Brahmin’s daughter.

Anandamoyi. Well, and so I am a Brahmin’s daughter. But I have long given up the performance of Brahminical rites. At the time of Mahim’s wedding the relatives tried to make trouble, calling it my Christian ways — I deliberately kept myself apart, said not a word. The whole world calls me a Christian and says all manner of other things about me — I accept it all and say: well, is a Christian not a human being! If you are such a high caste and so beloved of God, why does He keep bowing your head before the Pathan, then before the Mughal, then before the Christian, one after another?

Krishnadayal. All that involves a great many matters — you are a woman and will not understand such things. But there is such a thing as society — you understand that much — and it is right that you conform to it.

Anandamoyi. I have no need of that understanding. What I understand is this: when I have raised Gora as my son, if I were to begin observing the forms and pretences of custom, then society may remain or may not — dharma will not remain. It is only out of fear of that dharma that I have never hidden anything — whatever I am not observing I let everyone know, and I remain silent, gathering everyone’s contempt. Only one thing have I hidden, and because of that I live in constant dread, wondering what God may do at any moment. See, I feel I should tell Gora everything openly — and after that, whatever fate holds will come to pass.

Krishnadayal started up anxiously and said: “No, no — while I live, this cannot happen on any account. You know Gora well enough. If he hears this, there is no telling what he might do. After that, there will be an upheaval in society. But that is not all — what the government might do in addition cannot be said. Although Gora’s father died in the fighting, and his mother is known to have died as well — yet after all the disturbance had settled, the proper thing would have been to inform the magistracy. Now if a commotion arises over this matter, all my spiritual discipline will be ruined, and what further trouble might come cannot be foretold.”

Anandamayi sat on in silence, making no reply. After a few moments Krishnadayal said, “I have been turning over a plan in my mind regarding Gora’s marriage. Paresh Bhattacharya used to study with me in the same class. Having taken his pension from the school inspectorship, he has recently come to settle in Calcutta. He is a staunch Brahmo. I have heard that he has several daughters at home. If Gora can be introduced into his household, in the course of his comings and goings he may come to fancy one of Paresh’s daughters. After that, Prajapati must do the rest.”

Anandamayi: What do you say! Gora will visit the house of a Brahmo? That day will never come.

Even as she spoke, Gora himself entered the room, calling out “Ma” in his deep, thunder-cloud voice. Seeing Krishnadayal sitting there, he was somewhat taken aback. Anandamayi rose quickly and went to Gora’s side, her eyes brimming with affection, and said, “What is it, my dear? What do you want?”

“Nothing in particular — let it be for now.” So saying, Gora made as if to leave.

Krishnadayal said, “Sit down a moment — there is something I wish to say. A Brahmo friend of mine has recently come to Calcutta; he lives at Hedotala.”

Gora: Is it Pareshbabu?

Krishnadayal: How do you know of him?

Gora: Binoy lives close to his house — I have heard about them from Binoy.

Krishnadayal: I wish you would go and enquire after them.

Gora pondered to himself for a moment, then said abruptly, “Very well — I shall go tomorrow.”

Anandamayi was a little surprised.

Gora reflected a moment longer, then said again, “No — I shall not be able to go tomorrow.”

Krishnadayal: Why not?

Gora: I have to go to Triveni tomorrow.

Krishnadayal said in astonishment, “Triveni!”

Gora: Tomorrow is the solar-eclipse bathing.

Anandamayi: You astonish me, Gora! If you want to bathe, there is the Ganges right here in Calcutta. Can you not bathe without going to Triveni? — you have truly gone beyond everyone else in this country.

Gora made no answer to this and went away.

The reason Gora had resolved to bathe at Triveni was that great numbers of pilgrims would gather there. With that common multitude Gora wished to merge himself — to surrender his self into one vast current of the country’s life, and to feel within his own heart the pulse of the nation’s heart. Wherever Gora found even the smallest opportunity he would cast off, with all his might, every reserve and every inherited prejudice, step down onto the same ground as the ordinary people of the land, and say to them with his whole being: “I am yours, and you are mine.”