58

Binoy said to Ānandamayī, “Look, Mother, I am telling you the truth — every time I prostrated myself before the deity, something inside me felt ashamed. I suppressed that shame — and in its place wrote fine essays defending idol worship. But truly, Mother, when I bowed down, something within me gave no assent.”

Ānandamayī said, “Is yours a simple mind? You are incapable of seeing anything in a straightforward way. In everything you think some subtle and intricate thought. That is why the fussing and fretting in your mind will never leave you.”

Binoy said, “That is precisely the point. Because my intellect is too subtle, I can prove through hair-splitting argument even what I do not myself believe. As it suits me I deceive myself and others. All the religious arguments I have engaged in until now — I have conducted them not from the side of religion, but from the side of faction.”

Ānandamayī said, “When there is no genuine pull toward religion, that is what happens. Then religion too becomes, like lineage and prestige and wealth, merely a matter of pride.”

Binoy said: Yes, then one does not think of it as religion — one carries in one’s mind only the thought that it is our religion and wages battle on that footing. That is what I have done all this while. And yet I have not been able to deceive myself entirely; wherever my belief has failed to reach, I have pretended to devotion, and for that I have always felt ashamed before myself.

Ānandamayī said, “Do you think I do not understand that? The way you people exaggerate far beyond ordinary folk makes it perfectly plain that there is a hollow within, and to fill that hollow you must spend a great deal of filler. Devotion, when it is natural, has no such need.”

Binoy said, “That is exactly why I have come to ask you — is it right to pretend to believe what one does not believe?”

Ānandamayī said, “Listen to this! Must one even ask such a question?”

Binoy said, “Mother, the day after tomorrow I shall be initiated into the Brahmo Samaj.”

Ānandamayī said in astonishment, “What is this, Binoy? What pressing necessity has arisen for you to be initiated?”

Binoy said, “But Mother, that is precisely what I have been saying all this while!”

Ānandamayī said, “Can you not remain in our society with the beliefs you hold?”

Binoy said, “To remain would require hypocrisy.”

Ānandamayī said, “Have you no courage to remain without hypocrisy? The people of society will cause you pain — well then, can you not bear the pain and remain?”

Binoy said, “Mother, if I do not follow the ways of Hindu society, then —”

Ānandamayī said, “If three hundred and thirty-three crore opinions can find their way in Hindu society, why should yours alone not find its way?”

Binoy said, “But Mother, if the people of our society say you are not a Hindu — does it suffice for me to insist by force of will that I am?”

Ānandamayī said, “Our society calls me a Christian — it is true that I do not sit and eat with them in the course of daily life. But that they should call me a Christian and that I should therefore accept it — that I do not understand to be necessary. To hide away in some corner for the sake of what one knows to be right — that I consider wrong.”

Binoy was about to answer. Without allowing him to say anything, Ānandamayī said, “Binoy, I will not let you argue — this is not a matter for argument. Can you hide anything from me? I can see plainly that using the pretext of arguing with me, you are trying by force to distract yourself. But do not plan to cheat your way through a matter as grave and serious as this.”

Binoy lowered his head and said, “But Mother, I have already written a letter and given my word — I shall be initiated tomorrow.”

Ānandamayī said, “That cannot be. If you explain the matter to Pareshbābu, he will never press you.”

Binoy said, “Pareshbabu has no enthusiasm for this initiation — he is not joining in the ceremony.”

Anandamayi said, “Then you need not trouble yourself over the matter.”

Binoy said, “No, Mother, the matter has been settled — it cannot be undone now. Not by any means.”

Anandamayi said, “Have you told Gora?”

Binoy said, “I have not met with Gora.”

Anandamayi asked, “Why, is Gora not at home now?”

Binoy said, “No — I have heard that he has gone to Sucharita’s house.”

Anandamayi said in surprise, “But he went there only yesterday.”

Binoy said, “He has gone again today.”

Just then the voices of palanquin-bearers were heard in the courtyard. Imagining that some female relative of Anandamayi had arrived, Binoy stepped outside.

Lalita came in and prostrated herself before Anandamayi. Anandamayi had not in the least expected Lalita’s arrival that day. Gazing in surprise at Lalita’s face, she immediately understood that some crisis had arisen in Lalita’s mind concerning Binoy’s initiation and such matters, and that it was for this reason she had come to her.

In order to make it easier for her to broach the subject, Anandamayi said, “My dear, I am so glad you have come. Binoy was here just a moment ago — we were speaking of his taking initiation into your community tomorrow.”

Lalita said, “Why is he going to take initiation? Is there any necessity for it?”

Anandamayi said in astonishment, “Is there no necessity, my dear?”

Lalita said, “I cannot make any sense of it.”

Unable to understand Lalita’s meaning, Anandamayi fell silent and simply looked at her face.

Lalita lowered her gaze and said, “To come so suddenly and in such a manner to take initiation is dishonourable on his part. For what reason is he willing to accept this dishonour?”

‘For what reason?’ — did Lalita truly not know? Was there nothing in all this that ought to have brought her joy?

Anandamayi said, “Tomorrow is the day of initiation — he has given his firm word, there is no longer any possibility of change. That is what Binoy was saying.”

Lalita kept her luminous gaze fixed on Anandamayi’s face and said, “In matters such as these, a firm word has no meaning — if a change is necessary, it must be made.”

Anandamayi said, “My dear, do not be shy before me — let me speak to you openly. All this while I have been trying to make Binoy understand that, whatever his religious convictions may be, it is neither right nor necessary for him to abandon his community. I cannot say that he, for his part, does not understand this, whatever he may say with his lips. But, my dear, his feelings toward you are no secret to you. He knows well enough that without renouncing his community he cannot be united with you. Do not be bashful, my dear — tell me plainly: is this not the truth?”

Lalita raised her eyes to Anandamayi’s and said, “Mother, I shall conceal nothing from you — I tell you plainly, I do not accept all this. I have thought it through very carefully: it can never come to pass that people must first obliterate all their religious beliefs and social distinctions before they can come together with one another. By that reasoning, a friendship between a Hindu and a Christian would be impossible as well. By that reasoning, one ought to raise great walls and keep each community confined within its own enclosure.”

Anandamayi’s face brightened with delight as she said, “Ah, how glad it makes me to hear you speak so! That is precisely what I always say. No two people are alike in form, virtue, or disposition, and yet that is no obstacle to their coming together — then why should differences of opinion and belief be an obstacle? My dear, you have saved me — I was greatly anxious on Binoy’s behalf. I know that he has given his whole heart and soul to you all — if he were to suffer any wound in his connection with you, Binoy could not endure it, not by any means. That is why it pained me so deeply to stand in his way, as only the Lord knows. But what good fortune is his! To have such a crisis resolved so simply — is that a small thing! Let me ask you one thing: has any of this been spoken of with Pareshbabu?”

Lalita suppressed her shyness and said, “No, it has not. But I know he will understand everything rightly.”

Anandamayi said, “Had he not such understanding, how could you have come by such intelligence and such strength of mind? My dear, let me call Binoy — you ought to settle matters with him directly, face to face. Before that, let me say one thing to you, my dear. I have known Binoy since he was a small child — he is the kind of boy for whom, whatever sorrows you may accept, he will make every one of those sorrows worthwhile: this I say with all assurance. I have often thought, who could be so fortunate as to win Binoy? Proposals came now and then — none of them pleased me. Today I can see that his fortune is no small thing either.”

Saying this, Anandamayi kissed Lalita on the chin and called Binoy in. She deftly seated Lachhmiyan inside the room and, on the pretext of arranging Lalita’s meal, withdrew elsewhere.

Today there was no room for hesitation between Lalita and Binoy. The stern crisis that had arisen in both their lives summoned them toward each other, and they looked upon their mutual bond with simplicity and with a larger understanding — no haze of sentiment drifted between them to cast a coloured veil. Without discussing at all the fact that their two hearts had met, and that the currents of their two lives were drawing near to unite at one sacred confluence like the Ganga and Yamuna, they accepted this truth quietly, gravely, silently, and without constraint. Society had not called them together; no creed had brought them into union; their bond was no artificial bond — recalling this, they felt their coming together to be a union of the spirit itself, a spirit immeasurably simple in its greatness, that quarrels with no small thing, that no village council of scholars can obstruct. Lalita, her face and eyes radiant, said, “That you should bow yourself down and diminish yourself in order to receive me — that dishonour I cannot endure. I wish you to remain unmoved, standing exactly where you are.”

Binoy said, “You too shall stand firm in the place where you are established, and you shall not be required to move in the slightest. If love cannot accept difference, why does difference exist anywhere in the world at all?”

The conversation they had carried on for nearly twenty minutes amounted, in its essence, to this. They forgot whether they were Hindu or Brahmo — the truth that they were two human souls burned between them like a steady, unwavering flame.