53

As Mahendra was about to enter his mother's room, Asha came quickly out to meet him and said, "Do not go in there just now."

"Why not?" Mahendra asked.

"The doctor has said," Asha replied, "that any sudden shock to Mother's mind --- whether of joy or of grief --- may prove dangerous."

"Let me just go in quietly," said Mahendra, "and look at her from beside the pillow --- she will not know I am there."

"She starts up at even the smallest sound," said Asha.

"The moment you enter the room she will know."

"What do you wish to do, then?" said Mahendra.

"Let Bihari-Thakurpo come and see her first," said Asha.

"Whatever he advises, we shall do." As she spoke, Bihari arrived.

Asha had sent for him.

"Bouthaan, you sent for me?" said Bihari.

"How is Mother?" The sight of Bihari seemed to give Asha a sense of safe anchorage.

"Ever since you left," she said, "Mother seems more restless. The first day, not seeing you, she asked me, 'Where has Bihari gone?' I told her you had gone on urgent business and were expected back by Thursday. Since then she keeps starting at intervals. She says nothing aloud, but it is as though she is waiting for someone. Yesterday, when your telegram came, I told her you would arrive today. She at once gave orders for special things to be prepared for you --- everything you like --- and had the cooking set up on the front veranda, so that she could watch from her room. She would not hear of the doctor's prohibition. Only a little while ago she called me and said, 'Bouma, cook everything yourself --- today I shall sit and watch Bihari eat.'" Bihari's eyes grew bright with tears.

"How is Mother?" he asked.

"Come and see for yourself," said Asha.

"I believe the illness has grown worse." Bihari entered the room.

Outside, Mahendra stood in astonishment. Asha had assumed the authority of the household with perfect ease --- with what naturalness she had simply told Mahendra not to enter. No constraint, no resentment. How much his own power had diminished. He was the guilty one; he stood outside in silence --- he could not even enter his mother's room. And then there was this too --- the wonderfully unconstrained manner in which Asha spoke with Bihari. All counsel passed through him. He was now the sole guardian of this household, the friend of all.

His movement was everywhere; everything ran on his advice. The place Mahendra had vacated for a while, he returned to find no longer as it had been. The moment Bihari entered, Rajlakshmi fixed her compassionate eyes upon his face and said, "Bihari --- you have come back?"

"Yes, Mother," said Bihari, "I have come back."

"Is your work finished?" said Rajlakshmi, and she gazed at his face with intent attention.

Bihari answered with a serene face, "Yes, Mother --- all is well concluded. I have no more cause for concern," and glanced once towards the door.

"Today Bouma will cook for you with her own hands," said Rajlakshmi.

"I shall direct her from here. The doctor forbids it --- but why should anything be forbidden now, my boy? Will I not be able to watch you eat, just this once more?"

"I see no reason for the doctor's prohibition, Mother," said Bihari.

"How could you not be the one to direct things? From childhood it is your cooking that we have loved above all else. Mahin-da has been eating bread and lentils in the west till he is sick of them --- he will feel he has come back to life today with your fish curry. Today we two brothers shall eat side by side just as we did when we were boys and quarrel over our food --- let us see if Bouma has enough rice to go round." Although Rajlakshmi understood that Bihari had brought Mahendra back with him, even so at the sound of his name her heart gave a lurch and her breath caught for a moment in her chest.

When this passed, Bihari said, "Mahin-da's health has improved considerably during his time in the west. He is a little wan today from the journey's discomforts --- he will recover once he has bathed and eaten." Rajlakshmi still said nothing of Mahendra.

Then Bihari said, "Mother, Mahin-da is standing outside --- he cannot come in unless you call him." Rajlakshmi said nothing, but looked towards the door.

Seeing that glance, Bihari called out, "Mahin-da, come in." Mahendra entered, slowly.

For fear that her heart might suddenly stop, Rajlakshmi could not look directly at his face just yet. She half-closed her eyes. Mahendra glanced at the bed and started, as though struck a blow. He went to his mother's feet, laid his head upon them, and held them, prostrate, unable to rise. Her whole body shook and shook with the beating of her heart. After a little while, Annapurna said gently, "Didi, tell Mahin to get up --- he will not rise of his own accord." With great effort Rajlakshmi brought out the words, "Mahin --- get up." At the mere utterance of his name, after all this time, tears poured from her eyes in a swift stream.

As they fell, the pain in her heart eased. Then Mahendra rose and knelt beside her bed, resting his chest against the edge, and came close to her. Rajlakshmi, turning with difficulty, took Mahendra's head in both her hands and breathed deep over it; she kissed his forehead.

"Mother," said Mahendra in a choked voice, "I have caused you much pain --- forgive me." When her breast had grown quiet, Rajlakshmi said, "Do not speak of it, Mahin --- can I live without forgiving you? Bouma --- where has Bouma gone?" Asha had been in the next room preparing a restorative --- Annapurna called her in.

Then Rajlakshmi motioned for Mahendra to come up from the floor and sit upon the bed. When he had done so, she indicated a place beside him and said to Asha, "Bouma, sit here --- I wish to see you both together, just once. If I do, all my sorrow will be gone. Bouma, have no more shame with me --- and carry no grievance in your heart against Mahin either. Come --- sit here beside him. Let me feast my eyes, my dear." Then, with her veil over her head and trembling within, Asha came slowly forward and sat, in all her shy confusion, beside Mahendra.

Rajlakshmi with her own hands lifted Asha's right hand and placed it in Mahendra's right hand and pressed them together.

"I leave this mother of mine in your keeping, Mahin," she said.

"Remember what I tell you now --- a woman such as this you will not find again anywhere on this earth. Mejobou --- come, give these two your blessing. By the merit of your goodness, may they be happy." Annapurna came and stood before them, and both, through their tears, took the dust of her feet.

Annapurna kissed both their heads and said, "God grant you both His blessing."

"Bihari --- come here, my dear," said Rajlakshmi.

"Forgive Mahin --- just this once." Bihari stepped forward at once, and Mahendra rose and pulled him into a firm embrace.

"This is my blessing to you, Mahin," said Rajlakshmi.

"May Bihari always be to you what he was from your earliest childhood --- may he remain your friend for ever. There can be no greater fortune for you than this." Saying this, Rajlakshmi fell exhausted into silence.

Bihari brought a stimulant to her lips, but she moved his hand away and said, "No more medicine, my boy. Let me now turn my thoughts to God --- He will give me the final medicine for all this burning of the world. Mahin, go and rest a little, you two. Bouma --- go now and set the cooking going." In the evening Bihari and Mahendra sat down to eat on mats spread before Rajlakshmi's bed.

She had entrusted Asha with the serving, and Asha served. The tears welling up in Mahendra's chest would not be held back; he could not get food past his lips. Rajlakshmi kept saying to him, "Mahin --- why are you not eating? Eat properly --- let me see you."

"You know what Mahin-da is like, Mother," said Bihari.

"He has never been able to eat properly. Bouthaan --- could I have just a little more of that ghonto? It is exceedingly good." Rajlakshmi brightened and smiled faintly.

"I know Bihari loves that ghonto. Bouma --- that little bit is nothing --- give him rather more."

"Your bouma here is very stingy," said Bihari.

"Nothing will melt from her hand." Rajlakshmi laughed and said, "Do you see, Bouma --- Bihari eats your salt and abuses you in the same breath." Asha put a great heap of ghonto on Bihari's plate and went on.

"Well, well," said Bihari, "she will fill me with ghonto and that will be the end of me, I see --- all the good things will go to Mahin-da's plate."

"The tongue of a slanderer cannot be stopped by any means," Asha whispered as she passed.

"Test it with a sweet," said Bihari softly, "and see whether it can be stopped or not." When the meal was over, Rajlakshmi felt very deeply satisfied.

"Bouma, go and eat quickly," she said.

When Asha had gone to eat at Rajlakshmi's bidding, Rajlakshmi said to Mahendra, "Mahin, go and lie down."

"Why should I lie down so soon?" said Mahendra.

Mahendra had made up his mind to attend to his mother through the night. Rajlakshmi would not allow it under any circumstances. She said, "You are tired, Mahin --- go and rest." When Asha, having eaten, came and sat by Rajlakshmi's head with a fan, Rajlakshmi whispered to her, "Bouma, go and see that Mahendra's bed is properly made --- he is alone." Asha nearly died of embarrassment and managed somehow to leave the room.

Only Bihari and Annapurna remained. Then Rajlakshmi said, "Bihari, there is one thing I wish to ask you. What has become of Binodini? Where is she now?"

"Binodini is in Calcutta," said Bihari.

Rajlakshmi asked her next question with her eyes alone, in silence. Bihari understood.

"Have no fear whatsoever on Binodini's account, Mother," he said.

"She gave me much sorrow, Bihari," said Rajlakshmi, "and yet, in my heart, I love her."

"She loves you in her heart too, Mother," said Bihari.

"I believe that too, Bihari," said Rajlakshmi.

"Everyone has their faults and their virtues alike --- but she loved me. Service such as hers could not have been mere pretence."She is longing to serve you," said Bihari. Rajlakshmi sighed and said, "Mahin and the others have gone to rest now --- if she were brought to me once in the night, would there be any harm?" "Mother," said Bihari, "she is this very moment sitting hidden in the outer room of this house.

All day I could not get her to put so much as a drop of water to her lips. She has vowed that until you call her and forgive her, she will not touch water." Rajlakshmi was anxious at once. "She has been fasting the whole day!

Call her --- call her at once!" Binodini entered Rajlakshmi's room slowly, and Rajlakshmi burst out, "What is this you have done, child?

Fasting the whole day long? Go, go --- eat first, and then we will talk." Binodini took the dust of her feet in salutation and said, "First forgive this sinner, Pisima --- then I will eat." "I have forgiven you, dear," said Rajlakshmi. "I forgive you --- I have no anger left towards anyone now." She took Binodini's right hand in hers and said, "Child, may no harm come to anyone through you, and may you yourself be well." "Your blessing will not prove false, Pisima," said Binodini. "Touching your feet, I tell you --- no harm to this household will come from me." Binodini prostrated herself in salutation before Annapurna and went to eat. When she returned, Rajlakshmi looked at her and said, "So, then --- you are leaving now, child?" "Pisima," said Binodini, "let me serve you.

God is my witness --- you need have no fear of any harm from me." Rajlakshmi looked at Bihari's face. Bihari thought for a moment and said, "Let Bouthaan stay, Mother --- no harm will come of it." That night Bihari, Binodini, and Annapurna kept watch together and tended to Rajlakshmi. Meanwhile, Asha, ashamed of herself for not having come to Rajlakshmi's room all night, rose very early. She left Mahendra still asleep, washed her face, changed her sari, and came out while the darkness had not yet fully lifted. When she reached the door of Rajlakshmi's room and saw what was there, she stood in bewilderment. She thought: "Can this be a dream?" Binodini had lit a spirit lamp and was heating water. Tea was being prepared for Bihari, who had had no sleep through the night. Seeing Asha, Binodini rose. "Today," she said, "I come and take shelter with you, bringing all my offences with me.

No one else can send me away --- but if you say 'go,' I must leave at this very moment." Asha could not find a reply. She could not even be sure what her own heart was saying; she stood, overcome. "You will never be able to forgive me," said Binodini --- "do not even try.

But fear me no longer. As many days as Pisima needs me --- let me do a little work for those days, and then I will go." The previous day, when Rajlakshmi had taken Asha's hand and placed it in Mahendra's, Asha had wiped every grievance from her heart and surrendered herself wholly to Mahendra. But now, seeing Binodini before her, the burning of her wounded love would not be stilled. Mahendra had loved this woman once; perhaps he loved her still, in his heart --- this thought swelled within her breast like wave after wave. In a little while Mahendra would wake and see Binodini --- God alone knew with what eyes he would see her. Last night Asha had seen her world clear of thorns --- this morning, rising at first light, she found the thorn-bush growing in her very own courtyard. In this world, the space for happiness is the narrowest of all --- nowhere can it be kept entirely secure. Carrying this burden of heart, Asha entered Rajlakshmi's room and said with great awkwardness, "Maasima, you have been sitting here all night --- go and lie down." Annapurna looked carefully at Asha's face. Then, instead of going to sleep, she took Asha into her own room. "Chuni," she said, "if you wish to be happy, do not keep everything in memory.

The small comfort to be had from holding another person guilty is far exceeded by the sorrow of holding the guilt in one's mind. Remember this, Chuni: if you do not put it away, you will keep reminding the other as well. Whether or not you can do it of your own will --- I give you this command: behave towards Binodini as though she has never done you any wrong, and as though no harm from her can be feared. Then neither Mahendra nor anyone else will look at your face and feel themselves the guilty party.

Chuni --- this is not my request or my advice. This is your maasima's command. Even on the day I leave for Kashi, do not forget these words." "Maasima," said Asha, "I have no wish to carry anything --- I want only to forget.

But it will not let me forget." "You are right, dear," said Annapurna. "It is easy to give advice; it is hard to give the means.

Yet I will tell you one means. You must at least practise forgetting on the outside --- begin by forgetting outwardly, and you will forget inwardly as well. Remember, Chuni: if you do not forget, you will cause the other to remember too. Where you cannot manage by your own will, I give you this command: behave towards Binodini as though she has never done you any wrong, and as though no danger from her is to be dreaded." Asha bowed her head with quiet submission. "Tell me what I must do," she said. "Binodini is making tea for Bihari right now," said Annapurna. "Take the milk and sugar and the cups --- go to her.

Work together." Asha rose to comply. But Annapurna said, "That is the easy one --- there is another command, a harder one, and you must keep it without fail.

There will be times when Mahendra and Binodini come face to face, and I know what will stir in your heart at those moments --- but at such times you must not permit yourself even a sidelong glance to read Mahendra's expression or Binodini's. Even if your heart should break, you must remain unmoved. Mahendra must know that you have no suspicion, no grief, no dread, no anxiety --- that the bond is restored to exactly what it was before it was broken, that not a mark of the fracture remains.

Neither Mahendra nor anyone else must feel themselves a sinner when they look upon your face. Chuni --- this is not my advice or my request. This is your Maasima's command. When I go to Kashi, do not forget these words of mine for a single day." Asha came with cups and saucers and a jug of milk to Binodini. "Is the water hot?" she asked. "I have brought the milk for the tea." Binodini looked at Asha's face in astonishment. "Bihari-Thakurpo is sitting on the veranda," she said. "You send the tea to him --- I will get Pisima's things ready for washing.

She will want to get up soon." Binodini did not herself take the tea to Bihari. Now that Bihari had acknowledged his love and given her a certain right by doing so, she felt a reluctance to exercise that right at her own discretion. There is a dignity proper to the possession of any right; to preserve that dignity requires restraint in the exercise of the right. To grab all one can get and demand more besides is the way of the indigent --- it is in curtailing one's own enjoyment that the worth of one's possession truly shines. Now, unless Bihari called for her himself, Binodini could no longer go to him on any contrived pretext. At this moment Mahendra appeared. Asha's heart gave a lurch within her --- yet she restrained herself and said to him in a natural tone, "You are up so early?

I closed all the windows and doors lest the light disturb your sleep." Hearing Asha speak with such ease in Binodini's very presence, Mahendra felt as though a stone had been lifted from his chest. With a lightened heart he said, "I have come to see how Mother is --- is she still sleeping?" "Yes, she is sleeping," said Asha. "Do not go in just now.

Bihari-Thakurpo says she is much better today. After many days she slept well through the whole of last night." Mahendra, reassured, asked, "Where is Kakima?" Asha showed him her room. Binodini, too, was struck with wonder at Asha's firmness and composure. "Kakima!" called Mahendra. Though Annapurna had made up her mind to bathe at dawn and sit down to her prayers, she said, "Come in, Mahin, come." Mahendra bowed to her and said, "Kakima, I am a sinner --- I am ashamed to come before you." "Fie, fie --- say no such thing, Mahin," said Annapurna. "A child brings mud and still climbs into his mother's lap." "But this mud of mine will not be wiped off, Kakima," said Mahendra. "A shake or two and it will fall away," said Annapurna. "Mahin, it has all turned out for the best.

You were proud of your own goodness --- your self-confidence was far too great. The storm of sin has broken that particular pride --- and done no other harm." "Kakima," said Mahendra, "I shall not let you leave again this time.

It was your going that brought about this ruin of mine." "The ruin that I kept at bay by being here," said Annapurna, "was better for having happened once.

You will have no more need of me now." Again a call at the door: "Kakima --- are you at your prayers?" "No," said Annapurna, "come in." Bihari entered the room. Seeing Mahendra awake so early, he said, "Mahin-da --- I believe this is the first sunrise you have ever witnessed in your life!" "Yes, Bihari," said Mahendra. "This is the first sunrise of my life.

You and Kakima must have things to discuss --- I will go." Bihari laughed and said, "You may as well be made a minister in the cabinet.

I have never kept anything from you --- and unless you object, I will not keep this from you either." "Object, I?" said Mahendra. "I have no longer any claim.

If you keep nothing from me, perhaps I shall be able to respect myself once more." It was difficult now to say everything freely in Mahendra's presence. Bihari felt his tongue hesitate --- but he forced the words out: "There arose a question of my marrying Binodini.

I have come to finish the discussion of that matter with Kakima." Mahendra shrank visibly. Annapurna said with a start, "What is this you are saying, Bihari?" Mahendra exerted a great effort of will to overcome his discomfort. "Bihari," he said, "there is no need for this marriage." "Is Binodini herself a party to this proposal?" asked Annapurna. "Not in the least," said Bihari. "Would she agree to it?" asked Annapurna. "Why would Binodini refuse, Kakima?" Mahendra burst out. "I know she reveres Bihari with her whole heart --- can she willingly give up such a refuge?" "Mahin-da," said Bihari, "I have proposed marriage to Binodini --- and she has declined it, with gentle dignity." Hearing this, Mahendra fell silent.